Abuse comes in more than one form — and most of them leave no mark. This chapter shows you the five kinds, in plain words, so you can see what is really happening.
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Abuse is a pattern — not one bad day
People often get stuck on one word: violence. If no one has hit you, it's easy to think “this isn't abuse, not really.” That is the most common trap there is.
Abuse is wider than violence. It is a pattern — of control, fear, pressure or harm — that repeats and slowly takes away your freedom. One argument is not abuse. A pattern that leaves you anxious, controlled or afraid is.
Below are the five forms it usually takes. You may recognise one. You may recognise several. They often overlap.
Video 1
The 5 Types of Domestic Abuse ExplainedVideo coming soon. The full transcript is below — press “Read instead”.
The 5 Types of Domestic Abuse Explained
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Narrator
Most people think domestic abuse means being hurt physically. It can — but that’s only one of five forms.
There’s physical abuse: being hit, grabbed, pushed, or stopped from leaving a room.
There’s emotional abuse: the constant criticism, the blame, being made to feel worthless or like you’re losing your mind.
There’s economic abuse: someone controlling your money, your wages, your benefits — so you can’t stand on your own.
There’s sexual abuse: any sexual contact you didn’t freely choose, even inside a marriage.
And there’s coercive control — the pattern under all of it. The rules, the monitoring, the cutting you off from the people who love you.
You don’t need all five to be experiencing abuse. Even one is enough to deserve help.
The five forms
What abuse can look like
1
Physical abuse
Being hurt, or made to feel your body isn't safe.
This can look like
Hitting, slapping, pushing, grabbing or restraining you
Choking, covering your mouth, or stopping you breathing
Throwing things, blocking the door, hurting pets to frighten you
Threats to hurt you, the children, or themselves
2
Emotional & psychological abuse
Words and silence used to wear you down. It leaves no bruise, and is often the most damaging.
This can look like
Constant criticism, blame, name-calling or humiliation
The silent treatment, or punishing you with moods
Making you doubt your own memory — “that never happened,” “you're imagining it”
Making you feel you can't cope without them
3
Economic & financial abuse
Controlling your money so you can't build a life of your own.
This can look like
Taking your wages, benefits or bank cards
Giving you an “allowance” and making you account for every penny
Stopping you working, studying, or having your own account
Running up debt in your name
4
Sexual abuse
Any sexual contact you did not freely agree to. It counts inside a marriage or relationship — being married is not consent.
This can look like
Pressure, guilt or threats to make you have sex
Being made to do things you're not comfortable with
Sex while you're asleep, unwell, or unable to say no
5
Coercive control
The pattern that ties the others together — a slow erosion of your freedom. In the UK this is a criminal offence in its own right.
This can look like
Checking your phone, messages or location; deciding who you see
Rules about what you wear, eat, or when you sleep
Cutting you off from family and friends
Jealous accusations, or turning the children against you
If you're thinking
“It's not that bad”
If part of you keeps saying it's not that bad — that thought is one of the most common of all, and it is often how people cope and keep going.
Fear, love, hoping they'll change, or being told you're exaggerating can all make abuse feel smaller than it is. Noticing a pattern here doesn't mean you have to label it, or do anything today.
You don't need proof, and you don't need it to be “bad enough,” to talk to someone.
Video 2
How to Spot the Warning SignsVideo coming soon. The full transcript is below — press “Read instead”.
How to Spot the Warning Signs
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Narrator
Abuse rarely announces itself. The warning signs are often in how you feel, not in what you can point to.
Do you watch your words to avoid setting them off? Do you feel calmer when they’re not around?
Have you slowly stopped seeing friends or family — because it’s easier than the argument?
Do you check with them before spending your own money, or making small decisions?
None of these leave a mark. But together, they’re a pattern. And a pattern is the clearest warning sign there is.
You don’t have to be certain. You only have to be willing to talk to someone who understands.
For you only
Which of these feel familiar?
Just for you. Nothing is saved. You don't have to answer out loud or write anything down — only notice.
Do you change your behaviour to avoid upsetting them?
Are you made to feel worthless, or like you're “going mad”?
Do they control your money, your work, or your documents?
Has sex ever happened that you didn't freely want?
Do they monitor you, or keep you away from people you love?
Is your visa or status ever used to frighten or control you?
Recognising even one of these is reason enough to talk to someone. It doesn't commit you to anything.
Have a look
An ordinary week
Nothing here would make the news. No one is hit, and from the outside it looks like a normal relationship having a normal week. Tap anything that strikes you as control — there are six, and the point is not to get them all.
Found 0 of 0 · tap the underlined parts
Monday
You get home late from work. He has cooked, and he is lovely about it. Later he mentions, lightly, that he saw you were still at the office at seven.
Tuesday
Your sister asks if you want to come for the weekend. You say you will check. You already know it will be easier not to go.
Wednesday
You buy a coat. That evening he goes through the receipt and asks what happened to the rest. You have a job. The money is in a joint account he checks.
Thursday
An argument about nothing much. He does not shout. He stops speaking to you, and the silence lasts two days. You find yourself apologising without being sure what for.
Friday
His friends come over. In front of them he tells a story about you getting lost, and everyone laughs, including you.
Saturday
You are getting ready to go out. He does not tell you to change. He just looks, and says nothing, and you change. You could not explain to anyone why.
Nobody was hit. Nothing here would be recorded as an incident. And yet across one week: your movements known, your family at arm’s length, your own wages questioned, two days of punishment, a small humiliation, and a decision you made for him without being asked. That is the pattern. It is not one bad day, and it is not something you are imagining.
Knowledge check
Naming what you have just read
Nothing here is recorded. If a wrong answer felt right to you, that is worth sitting with — it is usually the belief doing the most work.
Nothing here is scored, and no answer is recorded. If a wrong answer felt right, that is worth noticing — it is usually the belief doing the most damage.
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You've reached the end of Chapter 2. Seeing the pattern is hard, and you've done it. The next chapter looks at a particular kind of control — when threats and blackmail are used to keep you silent.
This course is for information and understanding only. It is not legal advice and does not replace a solicitor, adviser, or support worker. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999. For 24-hour confidential support, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Nothing on this page is stored or sent anywhere.